Airplanes. Sporting events. Movie theaters. Concerts. Talent shows. Undergrad lectures. Mormon weddings. These are just a few of the places you probably want to enjoy an adult beverage. And yet, despite so-called inalienable rights, you often face harsh restrictions against bringing your own drink to certain establishments…. unless you smuggle booze in yourself.
No judgement here. Luckily we live in a nation of builders, a country built on creative entrepreneurs who think of everything, including some ingenious ways to smuggle booze.
The wine purse
Here’s the perfect solution for the style conscious woman looking for the ultimate low-key way to transport her “mommy juice”. Th wine purse includes a hidden pouch you can fill with your favorite beverage of choice, and a discrete spout. Serious fashionistas should probably check out the Vernissage; if boho-chic is your style, you might look at this colorful offering from Uncommon Goods; and for a broader selection of prints, colors, and patterns check out this website.
The booze bra
This gives new meaning to the term “wine rack”. It’s available on Amazon, and while it doesn’t have the best rating (seems like it’s prone to leaking), the reviews alone are worth checking out.
The stash briefs
Definitely not a great choice for the modest booze smuggler. Same goes for anyone subject to a pat-down, or planning to get busy on the dance floor. Also keep in mind that whatever you choose to put down there will likely warm up pretty quickly. You can find this “Stashitware” on Amazon.
The flask tie
At Last Bottle, drinking on the job is part of the job. But what do you do when your office frowns upon such behavior? Maybe it’s time to get dressed up to get messed up. Sure, the 8oz hidden bladder makes it seem like you have a serious addiction to starch, but you won’t care when you’re two sheets to the wind. You have plenty of colors to choose from, so you can get one to match every outfit. Get it here.
The flask scarf
Baxbo, the same company behind the flask tie, also makes a complimentary product for women. It’s available in a few different colors and patterns from the company website.
The idea of injecting fermented grape juice into the very same place it came from sounds pretty badass. But really, let’s be honest, because who has the patience to inject grapes one by one, milliliter by milliliter? Still, the grape inception play seems like a brilliant move if you can pull it off.
The “shampooze” bottle
This looks totally legit – in the right context. You wouldn’t walk into an NBA game with a bottle of shampoo, but you might take one on your next cruise. Bonus points for the “factory sealed” piece of foam under the cap which further reduces the shady factor. Get it here.
The hairbrush hooch
Stash this in your wine purse for double the fun. Unlike some of the other disguised products here, this actually functions as a hairbrush, so you’re really getting two products for the price of one. Get it here.
The sunscreen play
Another great option for the cruise goers. When they ask why you’re boarding the ship with two dozen tubes of sunscreen, just tell them you’re have polymorphous light eruption. There are plenty of choices available for around $10 on Amazon. Of course you could always clean out your own tube if you don’t want to spend the $10, but you’d probably still end up with some vague coconut flavor creeping in.
An obvious choice when you want to avoid the absurdly priced draft brew at the game. Just make sure your son does not accidentally take this to little league practice. You can get this here.
The binocular flask
Security will understand why you need to get an up close glimpse of your favorite singer’s fancy hair braid, or study the way your favorite pitcher grips his screwball. Once you infiltrate the stadium people might think you’re a complete moron when they see your mouth attached to the eyepiece. Once they catch on however, they’ll surely be jealous of your brilliant foresight. Just be sure to let your pals know what’s going on – nobody wants wine (or worse, whiskey) in the eye. Get it here.
Bonus: the booze baguette
What if you don’t have any of the above gear and you need a quick fix to smuggle booze? Stop by a bakery and find the biggest loaf of crusty bread, hollow it out, and stuff whatever you can fit inside.
Nobody likes waiting in long lines, paying 3-4x markup for booze, or worse, being completely restricted from drinking. With these cutting edge strategies you’ll be free to go forth and have a merry time on your own accord. While all those suckers are corralled in the “designated drinking” areas at Coachella you’ll be busting a move in your own personal happy space.